Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Ladies and gentlemen, say it with me: Jeremy Fucking Renner, kicking ass and taking names!
Sorry, had to get that out of the way.
So tonight I walked into the house after work, tired, hungry, and was greeted by my father, who informed me that he had just ordered a movie on Pay-Per-View. I questioned why he would do this but then remembered he is lazy when it pertains to finding movies online. He asked me to watch with him, and I was more focused on getting myself some dinner, when he informed me what the movie was.
I have said before it is rare for me to be won over by a film's trailer only, but it does happen. A year or so back I saw one such trailer, for a movie in which one of my favorite actors was kicking supernatural ass, and I was sold.
For those playing the home version, you can guess this movie was the very same one my father had just ordered. I got myself some food and hunkered down to watch it, and I can say, while PPV is not something I normally do, this movie was certainly worth the price of admission. It was violent, funny, bloody and full of bad-ass effects, just what the doctor ordered after a long day of work.
This is Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
Plot
I don't think I need to give much backstory here and most people know the story of Hansel and Gretel, but just in case, here are the cliffnotes: brother and sister left in the woods, find house made of candy, witch that lives that captures them to eat them, they end up roasting her alive. The end.
At least until this film, which picks up fifteen years after that event, and finds the older Hansel and Gretel, played by Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton respectively. The two have become bounty hunters specializing in the tracking and killing of witches, with six hundred confirmed kills to their name. However they did not escape their childhood misadventure unscathed; Hansel, after being forced to eat candy by the witch, is diabetic and requires shots of insulin to stay alive, and both he and Gretel are wracked with questions as to what became of their parents and why they were left in the woods in the first place.
The story really begins when the two are called to the town of Augsburg, where eleven children have gone missing. The two arrive just in time to stop the impulsive and somewhat deranged sheriff Berringer from executing a young woman named Mina, played by Pihla Viitala,whom he has accused of witchcraft. Hansel proves Mina is not a witch, and Gretel, upon being insulted by Berringer, breaks his nose. After meeting with the mayor and tracking a low level witch in the nearby woods, the siblings discover that local witches are preparing for the ritual of the Blood Moon, which only occurs once a generation. Later, the two meet a villager named Ben, who is essentially a fanboy of the two, played by Thomas Mann. While talking with the boy, a group of trackers hired by Berringer are killed in the woods by Muriel, a very powerful dark witch played by Famke Janssen, who sends the lone survivor back to the tavern with an explosive message for the two. Realizing that time is growing short, the two capture one of Muriel's assistants, and discover one more child is to be taken, but they are too late, as Muriel attacks and the child is taken by a troll named Edward. Gretel is injured fighting Muriel, but is rescued by Ben. Hansel, likewise, grabs the broom of Muriel's assistant only to fall and land in a tree in the forest, where Mina comes to his aid. While looking through Ben's scrap book, Gretel finds information that could explain one of the biggest mysteries she and Hansel have faced- why witch's magic does not affect them. Leaving to find her brother, she is attacked by Berringer and his men, only to be saved by Edward, who, after caring for her, reveals that trolls serve witches and leaves. Reuniting with Hansel at a familiar cottage outside of town, the two begin to piece together everything going on- their pasts, the ritual, and all the other questions that have plagued them. But will they find the answers in time to stop Muriel and the Blood Moon ritual?
Thoughts
Let's get one thing straight- this is not a great movie. It will not win any legit awards, nor will it be a critical darling. It is however, a whole lot of fun. The story is pretty simple and much of the twists you can see coming a mile away- the film literally throws plot point after plot point at you, and if you can't pick them out right off the bat you are slow. That said, it is still a fun take on the classic Grimm Fairy Tale, and everything fits together nicely in the universe the film exists in. Sure there are some things that you will scratch your head at, such as Hansel and Gretel's not so medieval weaponry, but you can chalk that up to this being a movie and movies not always having to make perfect sense.
The cast do their jobs well, though outside of Renner and Janssen, I was not familiar with any of the other actors- Arterton was apparently in Quantum of Solace but I don't remember her much, so she could not have made much of an impression. However, in this film she does all that and more, playing a very intelligent but still bad ass witch hunter. Renner does what he does best, kick ass, take a beating and get right back up, and stay cool doing so. The man is one of my favorite actors and I haven't even seen him in much- but what I have has been enough. I first discovered him as a patient in the fourth season of House M.D, and while patients come and go on the show, he was one who stuck with me, mostly due top Renner's acting ability. Follow that with turns in The Town , Thor, and The Avengers, and the man has earned his place in my book. Janssen plays a decent wicked witch character, in that she is basically evil for evil's sake, has no real character beyond that, but plays the role with such glee that you can't not enjoy it. She, like many of the cast, seem to be having fun, which, as I have said in previous reviews, is important- even a bad movie, if the people involved are enjoying themselves then it must have been worth it. The rest of the cast are alright, nothing special really, they basically fall into their rolls and that's nothing to be ashamed off- this is really Renner, Arterton and Janssen's show, everyone else is just along for the ride.
And what a ride it is- the effects are exactly what you want in a cheesy action-horror like this; extreme and all over the place. Blood, dismemberments, gore, more blood, great and violent deaths, and all done so beautifully that you have to applaud the people behind them. Yes much of it is over-the-top but really, is that a bad thing? Coming from me of course it isn't, I'm the guy who praises low budget horror flicks and prays at the altar of Troma- the more over-the-top the better! That said the effect used for the witches and Edward are top notch, and quite believable, although in the case of the former, I hope Clive Barker got some credit as a few of the witches look like characters out of his film Nightbreed- not like that's a bad thing, just something I, as a fan, noticed and cracked a few jokes at.
Yes, this film is silly. Yes the actors ham it up. Yes the effects are sometimes crazy. But sometimes that is exactly the type of movie you need. This is mindless violence and it is fun. The story is nothing to write home about but it doesn't have to be- it's an R-rated action adaptation of a Grimm's Brother's story, what do you expect?
Conclusion
This movie is fun, I will keep saying that until it sinks in, because I know some people just won't listen. A film such as this is one that you, upon hearing the title, premise, or catching the trailer for, will either be interest it or avoid. There isn't room for middle ground here, either you will want to watch a silly little action horror or you will shake your head and go watch some artsy Oscar nominee flick. But that's alright, because movies like this are made for the former, for people who like their action over-the-top and their films with plenty of room for laughter. So if it tickles your fancy, sit down, turn your brain down a few levels, and have some fun. Pick up the plot points and wait for them to come around, laugh as Hansel get the living shit kicked out of him over and over and still keeps on ticking, watch as people get their heads chopped off, blown up, or just crushed flat, and just have some fun. The people who made this movie did, the least you can do is join in.
3.5 Candy Coated Hell Houses out of 5
Until next time, I'm the Drew, and Jeremy Renner is fucking awesome- just like me.
No comments:
Post a Comment